In here I drop pearls of witty greatness for your edification.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wow time flies

I can't believe it's been a month and much more since I blogged. Mostly time has flown. We have had a protracted heat wave here and sitting in my un air conditioned house is difficult and sweaty. I am currently deciding on whether or not to take a second shower tonight to cool down for bed. So what's been going on?
Well, currently my dog Shimalfinney has turned allergic to every known kind of dog food and her hair is all falling out. We took her to the vet today and she is on antibiotics for the infected scratching places and steroids for the allergic reaction to food. I thought she was dying for the last week and had resolved myself to it. We were taking her to the vet today to be put to sleep. I prayed for her and it worked. $40.00 worth of medicine did not hurt either.
The car gave up the alignment ghost to the tune of $ 400.00 for tires and $100.00 for the alignment (to be done tomorrow). Dakota wrecked it into a pole. Strictly my fault, I assure you.
The air conditioning in the car won't work and the tail lights are busted.
Britt and I resurrected one light on each side and are hoping to fix them permanently before long. Also, we have to fix the heater/air before winter as the driving of a frozen car is pointless if you can't see out of it. Since the windshield washer was a victim of the pole incident... you get me?
Brittany and the kids are severely cramped by the Denver Public School System's new regime. They were really happy with the schedule last year of 9 am to 3:30pm. This year the school is from 8am to 4pm. Woe be unto the non-morning kids in this house.
Anyway, that is most of it.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy flippin 4th of July

Happy 4th of July. My least favorite holiday. Why you ask?
OK here is the story..
I was having a great time with my 4 children on our 1st ever 4th of July together since their father had gone. I was originally very sketchy on this thing anyway since I was (and still am) uber-afraid of fire. However, after 2 hours of sparklers, wheels, snakes, fountains, and black cats we made it and I was so proud of us for NO burns or even near misses whatsoever. Hey, I always look at that glass as half-full.
Anyway it was getting on towards 11 pm and I was thinking to myself that this fire eatin' momma stuff was pretty ok when my darling daughter Tobi came up to me in her Rainbow Bright pajamas and informed me she had something in her nose. And just like that the serenity of the evening was shattered. I tried to think it was a little thing and I could ignore it, but the only beads in a house full of 3 toddlers were very large and snapped together.... After waiting sseveral hours in the emergency room with 4 children (a very fun trip, I recommend it for all sadists everywhere) a doctor who had been treating burns all night looks up her nose and says to me "Is it the pink bead?" I told him I did not actually see the bead before the disaster or it would not be there, and how many were up there anyway?
From that date on I have NOT participated in the 4th of July except once in California when my friend Pamela assured me she would "do everything" and my children would be fine and have sooooooo much fun. She grew up in Redding and knew the best spot to see the fireworks up on this hill above the stadium. We were so close to where the fireworks were detonating, that when any of them went off it set off the alarms on the cars around us. Just stompin' screamin' good fun. Needless to say I peed myself.
There will be No fireworks in my driveway and no I do not go see them either.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Reunion and mice.

This is Friday of my first vacation in at least 5 years. It has been wonderful. I do regret that we did not get to see much of my daughter Sarah and her family because she stayed with Tobi in Colorado Springs. I did however have the usual disaster-filled week one can expect with a giant family gathering. All this came to a head last night when we discovered that a mouse had moved into our house while we were at Tobi's and the Pirate Pool.
Ok here is the week:
Last Friday night Kale locked us out of our car at the church. We only waited 3 hours for the lock smith. Saturday and Sunday we had Cora and Alec over for the night.
Monday was work. I do weekly payroll and it must be done by Wednesday at 7am, so I did it and left for the vacation.
We spent Monday night with the whole gang at Rudy's and then Tobi's house so we could get up at the but-crack of dawn and go to Garden of the Gods and have a family portrait taken. Absolute chaos and terrific times were had by all. My ears are still ringing from Kale's whine fest there. The photographer was like 9 months pregnant and I thought she would surely give birth in the hills. All the family wore red, white, or blue.  After getting lost ... oh an hour or so we ended up having a great time.
Wednesday we had a trip to the Pirate Pool in Lakewood. After being lost for two hours we were only there a couple of minutes when a lifeguard kicked Phoenix out for not having real swim trunks on. Britt went to the store to get trunks and then when they walked back into the pool a kid went #2 in the pool and we had to leave. At our second job a truck exploded next door and the firetruck locked Britt in the gated yard for a few hours. Dakota came over that night and we had great fun the next day at the Pirate Pool a deux.
Then we went home where the darn mouse was really determined to kick us out of the house. Brittany spent the next 10 hours screaming and clinging to the roof of her room. The boys got out brooms, dust pans, knifes, and a water gun to hunt the mouse down and kill it.
Believe it or not I went to the grocery store and bought 2 mouse traps that were both worthless . Murphy's law of mouse traps: The probability of both traps in the package not working is directly proportional to the brazen taunting of the mouse it is being bought for.
 The traps will NOT stay open. I should have known better than to not buy the glue boards or old fashioned wooden traps. So we were all up till 3 am chasing this stupid mouse. Naturally, the dogs and cats were following it around also. Children and rude dogs and cats.. oh my. Phoenix threw up and Kale was dead on his feet from nearly drowning earlier.
Today I slept from noon to 5:30pm to catch up on the sleep I did not get in the last week.  Tomorrow it's off to the airport for us with Sarah. Then back to work the second job. I'm actually looking forward to a boring week.
The motto for this week was if it ain't broke... it will be in a minute.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A lot of turns of phrase

I am as mad as a wet hen. I know most of you have never seen a wet hen, but those of us who grew up eating what we grew or raised do know and it is terrible to behold. Whoever associated the word "chicken" with someone who was not brave was mistaken. Chickens are uncommonly aggressive when wet or robbed of their eggs. And armed as they are with a beak, well you get the picture.

Today I found out at work that I do indeed have life insurance. I have gone the last year since my children's father died trying to figure out how to get life insurance without paying half my paycheck for it. Every company I contacted led me to 6 more wanna-be's who sent me relentless emails, phone recordings, texts, and snail mail about their astoundingly cheap insurance. Every time I completed the forms and sent them in, I got the same rates at the same astoundingly expensive prices. Let me tell you these forms weren't a picnic or a walk in the park to fill out either. When they say you are burning the candle at both ends they really mean you are staying up nights filling out the forms to find out what you're going to do about this no insurance thing.
And burn that midnight oil I did  and never got any "cheap" or even reasonable quote.
Then today we got a packet to re-up our insurance with some new company in California. It's the big one Lizbeth... There was a beneficiary card in there with an actual explanation of benefits. Which I HAD all along these last 5 years!
No wonder, the benefits director in Kansas City who told me I had nothing has recently been indicted. I wonder where my money went?
But at last that is water under the bridge and I can say with a heavy sigh
How do you spell relief? 
L i f e  I n s u r a n c e.

Monday, June 13, 2011

This poem is for all of us who have Fallen

How can I dare
a weak and mortal man
Lift up
my feeble human hand
and seek toward the mighty hand of God?

I've earned no grace
my measure is so small
my worth
I've done nothing at all
that he should even notice
such as I.

He speaks my name
and bids me follow him
his life
he gave for every man
a love so great I can not

His love is pure
he lifts me from the fall
I reach
least worthy of them all
transformed into a treasure
by his love.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I know, what am I doing up?

Tonight I am giving a shout out to my lovely daughter(s) who's lives voyages have recently taken them up diarrhea river without a paddle, or much of a boat for that matter.
In this life there were some terrible days and nights for me also. When the world was dark and it seemed like everybody forgot me and the pain of lost love was so awful. I kept thinking I would wake up tomorrow and be dead of it, because I could not take the pain anymore. When the worst had come true and there was no way to change the awful truth. No place to run away from it. And facing it and "dealing with it" was just too much for me. I hid, I cried for days, I ran away, and I waited and waited for that "easier" all my friends said was coming with time. But time didn't seem to be effecting the way I felt. And I cried some more. There were days and nights of endless torture where I could not get it out of my mind and the betrayal drove me and controlled my feelings and thoughts. Those dark days went on for a long time.
I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, because it doesn't get better. What can fix ultimate betrayal? What can help you not feel so stupid not to have known? What can bring the trust back?
What eventually happens is you grow a callus over your heart and it sort of shores up the spots where it broke. It is almost funny because my actual chest hurt, oh yes there was physical pain in the breaking of my heart. The callus is just a band aid though and you are changed forever. The lucky ones go back in and attempt to have it all again. For me it was too deep. Too sharp. There was no way to truly fix it and so it never worked for me again. Trust means pain to me now. But both of you are young. Go back in, try to trust, try to love.  It is worth it. The highs are great. So don't give up, don't give in.. Hang on.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Who lets stupid people use a phone?

I am the queen of the sarcastic (yet so politically correct) cut for the salesmen calling to sell my boss something.  "I'm sorry (lets call him Dave) doesn't accept solicitation or survey calls. I'll be happy to take your information and if he is interested, he'll get back to you."            Cut much?
The smart ones hang up at this because they realize I can't be gone around. If you want in, you gotta go through me.
The dumb ones say, and I quote "I am not selling anything".
Really? So you picked up a phone today and decided to call a business and talk to the owner for grins?. No, they go on and on about how this is not to sell anything they just have a business matter to discuss with him. So I ask, what are you giving away then? The rude ones say "Just put him on, I'm sure he wants to talk to me." To which I reply are you a personal friend?. At this point most of them give up and disconnect the call. The really stupid ones don't get it and actually call back hoping to get the nice receptionist.
Hello again dipstick, you ask for the owner, you get his receptionist. One guy started screaming at me today about how rude I am. Yes, it hurt my feeling(s) and I let him through of course.... NOT.
The truly gifted one calls every day. He has made it his life mission to get through to my boss. He snarls at the sound of my voice "This is (whatever fake name he is using that day) let me talk to Dave. At the sound of "May I tell Dave who's calling?" He hangs up. He used to hang in there for the "and who are you with?" speech too but he is just not as forceful as he used to be. I think he just wants to make sure I did not take a personal day or something.
Today I met the KING of salesman who told me he would call Dave's cell and tell him what a nice receptionist he has if I could give it to him. Hello dumb ass if you want his cell you're gonna have to do better than that. Even with a 101 degree fever and mini mouse voice I don't give that out.
What I really don't get is why would you call up random businesses and expect to get through to the owner to try to sell your overpriced (whatever). They call in droves, I swear there is a web site somewhere that told every half-baked salesman on the planet to call us. And not just in my state, they call from Canada. Are you kidding me? You want to sell me a phone system from Canada? aaaa????

Monday, May 16, 2011

I can NOT be sick again, can I?

Where is carma when you need her?
I went home Friday night and my body went into open rebellion. Not just a little cold or stomach ache. The whole scheboingo. My throat closed up and I felt like when you suck a drink down the wrong pipe. Then the fever/headache/stomach ache appeared. Then the cold symptoms came on double pace. I spent the whole night Friday trying to tell myself that this was a bug I swallowed on the way home or some other strange phenomenon, not possibly an illness since . . .
I JUST got over this same crappy illness.
By Saturday morning at I was as depressed as a woman can get; sick again.
Now it is Monday and I feel like leftover horse doodee. I sound like Minnie mouse and I am eating pain meds and cold pills like crazy so I can stay at my job for 8 hours. I will take a marathon (10 hour ) nap tonight and do it again tomorrow.  I want to KILL my co-worker who gave me this when I had to sit in his desk and do the deposit Thursday and Friday because he was on vacation. Unfortunately, he is still sick too.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Where is his leg?

There are things I live for in my old age. The best EVER are the moments when the Grandkids get even on my behalf with their parents.
My son and oldest child is currently residing in the 5th ring of Hell with his 14 year old juvenile delinquent/ rebel. I sometimes have this child over just to hear the latest truly horrible experience his Father is having raising him. You can't laugh out loud in front of the teenager or he will think his antics are cute to you, but I have nearly lost a rib holding this crap inside until they leave so I can bust up.
My youngest Daughter lives in the bowels of Hell because of the mouths on her kids. Ah… She has no idea how bad this will get later on, or maybe she does since she is the one who said to the Principal "I'm gonna kick your face in."
My middle Daughters son cut his hair into the "Flock of Seagulls" arrangement last night and I had to shave his head. He spends most of his time pleasing me and torturing her.
But this week the best of the best happened to Tobi, my oldest daughter. She took her little minions to Wally World and there was a war Vet there with a missing leg. They both SCREAM out "Mom, his leg is gone!" Oh my goodness. No kidding? I almost snorted my lung out while she was telling me. So she is trying to usher them into the store without further embarassment while they keep pointing and shouting "But Mom, where is his leg?"
Ah revenge is sweet. So the next time your little ones do something terrible, in public remember: all you have to do is live long enough for them to have kids then you get to watch them squirm.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Obviously its Wednesday. It is also Secretary Day and my 5 year anniversary at work. It is also the day I clean and renew the office building I work in.
So my daughter was cleaning a bathroom across the street and found a porn rag called Coco or something like that. It was positively sticky with human DNA. EWWWWW
Also, I took a bunch of change collected from the bottom of random trucks in the yard and poured Coke all over them.
Yep, it ate off the grime and grease in about an hour.
Experimentation at work.
Some good.
Some bad.
Some tedious. (cleaning)
I threw the magazine away and sent out a notice from HR about sexually explicit content at the workplace.
Yes, I am the HR person, the secretary, payroll, accounts receivable, billing, and the janitor.
Welcome to the new millennium.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This is my new blog?

OK this must be the part where you forget you forgot or something.
I don't remember creating this blog... but there you are.
Maybe next year I can hide my own Easter Eggs!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentines Day

The day of love is here. Woo Hoo. I have had zero luck in the love department. However I find as I grow old that the love of my life is my kids and grand kids. They make me happy and I find endless joy watching them grow. Maybe some day I will have all 10 of them together and they can see how happy they make me.