Tonight I am giving a shout out to my lovely daughter(s) who's lives voyages have recently taken them up diarrhea river without a paddle, or much of a boat for that matter.
In this life there were some terrible days and nights for me also. When the world was dark and it seemed like everybody forgot me and the pain of lost love was so awful. I kept thinking I would wake up tomorrow and be dead of it, because I could not take the pain anymore. When the worst had come true and there was no way to change the awful truth. No place to run away from it. And facing it and "dealing with it" was just too much for me. I hid, I cried for days, I ran away, and I waited and waited for that "easier" all my friends said was coming with time. But time didn't seem to be effecting the way I felt. And I cried some more. There were days and nights of endless torture where I could not get it out of my mind and the betrayal drove me and controlled my feelings and thoughts. Those dark days went on for a long time.
I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, because it doesn't get better. What can fix ultimate betrayal? What can help you not feel so stupid not to have known? What can bring the trust back?
What eventually happens is you grow a callus over your heart and it sort of shores up the spots where it broke. It is almost funny because my actual chest hurt, oh yes there was physical pain in the breaking of my heart. The callus is just a band aid though and you are changed forever. The lucky ones go back in and attempt to have it all again. For me it was too deep. Too sharp. There was no way to truly fix it and so it never worked for me again. Trust means pain to me now. But both of you are young. Go back in, try to trust, try to love. It is worth it. The highs are great. So don't give up, don't give in.. Hang on.
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