In here I drop pearls of witty greatness for your edification.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The gratitude train

Murphy continues to bug my world. My brother has been living with me for 2 years, see previous posts. All this time he has had $ 0.00 to contribute. So finally last month Social Security opened its cobweb filled coffers and said it was his time to have $. Ha and I repeat HA. I thought (to myself only) here is my turn to have some recompense. HA and Double Ha Ha   again.
I can't tell you how overcome with joy I was when he informed me of the pending wealth. I had a great time spending that money in my day planner. Unfortunately, that was the only place I would ever get to spend that money because it doesn't exist.
The government sent him several letters stating that they owed him 32,000 buckeroos. He showed them to me and told me he would give me $ 7,000 when he got it.
Then the deductions and explanation letters kept on rolling in until he ended up with $ 2,895.00.
So basically I have supported his butt for 2 years for free. Of his giant windfall he gave me $ 300.00.  I got the greatest feeling in the world from that news.. screwed by Uncle Sam and my brother in one go.
Not that I am ungrateful for $300.00, but think of it this way. I supported him while he had NOTHING. The furniture in his room, his clothes, our toilet paper, power, soap, etc... all came from me.

Now he sits around telling me how he spent $ 65.00 on the car he has driven for 2 years for free, or how he wishes we would not run out all the gas HE put in the tank. Holy shite Muslims, it's all I can do not to scream and strike him. The gratitude train has officially left the building.

He bought himself a bunch of computer shite and gave me his old computer. Then I discovered it has no disc drive. So I can't even play a cd on it.
He had Dish TV set up and has taken over the Internet payment of $ 35.00 per month. Why YES I was paying that these last 2 years also. So nice of you to notice, cause he didn't.
AND we are AGAIN without AC for the summer. That is fine with him I guess. He keeps on keeping on about how he spent (whatever) for something for the house. My responses are mostly grunts. Screaming "F-U asshole" is probably in bad taste.
The other really annoying thing about all this that he thinks he knows what is best for me. He goes out and buys ant killer (the same day I did) but he bought granules and spent $8.00 to my $ 4.00. I know I have ants on the deck Bucky I just can't afford everything the instant I see that I need it. Guess if I had $3,000 instead of $ 300 I could have bought that.
Back during the gubment money fantasy days he decided he would buy an AC unit and have it installed. Because I could not be trusted to go to Home Depot and have it done?
For 2 years everything has been "you just don't know how guilty I feel about not paying for anything" Now it has turned into "let me decide how much you need (evidently 10% is a huge contribution) and when you need something". He actually gave me a lecture about how I just can't be  "Ni--er Rich" with the fantasy money. 
What I can't figure out is where the 2 years of gratitude and humility went. Evidently that was an act.
Anyhow it never rains money in my section, just bullshite.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The Law of Murphy

Murphy's law: The probability of the bread falling butter side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
My bread will always fall butter side down on the carpet, no matter how cheap the carpet is. Not only that but my dumb dogs will refuse to eat it off the floor because they can't see the butter anymore. (insert sigh here) 
I filed my taxes on the 14th of January. The IRS installed their new software this year (to guard against anyone actually getting a refund) that same day. All the people who filed that day are now in limbo being searched for fraud and shall have NO refunds until the search is over. My daughter filed 10 days later and probably will get her refund sooner. (insert moan here)
Murphy, move on.
I am tired of the laws of probability kicking my trash. Surely once in a while I should get the laws of dumb luck on my side? It is my turn for yes she did find money on the street, everything went smoothly, and that turned out fine. There's a gratitude lesson here, isn't there? (insert humble grumbling here)
Lesson learned. Please grade me now and give me my refund.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Living the dream.

Forget fame and fortune, I've got riches untold. 10 Grand kids driving their parents to insanity each and every day. Then there's me cracking the whip behind the kiddies. My daughter told me today the comment I put on her blog was "wildly inappropriate". What does that even mean? I am an old woman. I worked hard to get here and I intend to embarrass my kids for the rest of my life.
I'm not trying to be "cool" or socialy correct.
 I am living the dream here. You have to see this from my side.
I was raised my son and 3 daughters alone and by alone I mean with absolutely NO cooperation from any of them. They took every opportunity to act out in public, destroy my home and car, and generally make my job as hard as possible. When they reached puberty I had had an exceptionally trying day with school fires and such and  I thought to myself "one day may all 4 of you know this pain". And now that it is here I am happy.
I could die tomorrow with a HUGE grin on my face. Oh yes, this tastes sweet. What, you've got to meet with the principal because your Princess thew her lunch tray over her head and refused to eat this "swill"? The only reason I haven't kicked it yet is I can't wait for the next call. Your son took a decorative sword to school? You're at the ER having a stone removed from your daughters nose? The cat threw up because one of the darling children fed him cheesecake? They both acted so bad in the store you're NEVER taking them again? One of them complained about his brother looking out "his" window in the car the whole way home?
I act sympathetic at the time, but in the back of my mind I am watching a rerun of the days when this child did something horrible to me in public. I'm reliving the school fire my darling set, or seeing my 17 year old flip me the bird as she drives off in MY car. Good times.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

You're a whiner, go with it.

The saga of the medicine.
My health insurance recently changed and now forces me to use “Medco” for all my prescription needs.
This company makes you purchase 90 days worth of whatever medicine you need at a time. Then they mail it to you. Mostly a good thing since it takes them almost 90 days to send the next 3 months worth of medication.
I went to the doctor on December 16th. The doctor faxed a request to them for a medicine the same day. My doctor has a tablet he carries with him and I watched him key and send  the fax.
Anyway, one of the medicines got here January 4th. Is that not more than 2 weeks? What if, say it was INSULIN? (which it was). And I needed it for SURVIVAL? (which I did). And the big answer by all the representatives I have talked to for the last 18 days? “Well it says here it is supposed to ship on the 3rd”.
No shit Sherlock, I can read. Your crappy website told me that 17 DAYS ago. I called you to see WHY it takes 18 days to ship the life saving medication. Also, since my credit card is on speed dial with these people, I was charged 18 days ago.
I could see if this was a great deal I was getting and it just takes a while to start up a routine with this company. But I have 13 medications they do for me and every one of them is this way. Not only is it slow but at Wal-Mart where I was getting this insulin it is $30.00 a bottle with the insurance. Medco gives me 3 bottles for $ 75.00. That is a whopping $ 5.00 per month savings!! The aggravation is free. The blood pressure medicine won’t be though.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Wow time flies

I can't believe it's been a month and much more since I blogged. Mostly time has flown. We have had a protracted heat wave here and sitting in my un air conditioned house is difficult and sweaty. I am currently deciding on whether or not to take a second shower tonight to cool down for bed. So what's been going on?
Well, currently my dog Shimalfinney has turned allergic to every known kind of dog food and her hair is all falling out. We took her to the vet today and she is on antibiotics for the infected scratching places and steroids for the allergic reaction to food. I thought she was dying for the last week and had resolved myself to it. We were taking her to the vet today to be put to sleep. I prayed for her and it worked. $40.00 worth of medicine did not hurt either.
The car gave up the alignment ghost to the tune of $ 400.00 for tires and $100.00 for the alignment (to be done tomorrow). Dakota wrecked it into a pole. Strictly my fault, I assure you.
The air conditioning in the car won't work and the tail lights are busted.
Britt and I resurrected one light on each side and are hoping to fix them permanently before long. Also, we have to fix the heater/air before winter as the driving of a frozen car is pointless if you can't see out of it. Since the windshield washer was a victim of the pole incident... you get me?
Brittany and the kids are severely cramped by the Denver Public School System's new regime. They were really happy with the schedule last year of 9 am to 3:30pm. This year the school is from 8am to 4pm. Woe be unto the non-morning kids in this house.
Anyway, that is most of it.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy flippin 4th of July

Happy 4th of July. My least favorite holiday. Why you ask?
OK here is the story..
I was having a great time with my 4 children on our 1st ever 4th of July together since their father had gone. I was originally very sketchy on this thing anyway since I was (and still am) uber-afraid of fire. However, after 2 hours of sparklers, wheels, snakes, fountains, and black cats we made it and I was so proud of us for NO burns or even near misses whatsoever. Hey, I always look at that glass as half-full.
Anyway it was getting on towards 11 pm and I was thinking to myself that this fire eatin' momma stuff was pretty ok when my darling daughter Tobi came up to me in her Rainbow Bright pajamas and informed me she had something in her nose. And just like that the serenity of the evening was shattered. I tried to think it was a little thing and I could ignore it, but the only beads in a house full of 3 toddlers were very large and snapped together.... After waiting sseveral hours in the emergency room with 4 children (a very fun trip, I recommend it for all sadists everywhere) a doctor who had been treating burns all night looks up her nose and says to me "Is it the pink bead?" I told him I did not actually see the bead before the disaster or it would not be there, and how many were up there anyway?
From that date on I have NOT participated in the 4th of July except once in California when my friend Pamela assured me she would "do everything" and my children would be fine and have sooooooo much fun. She grew up in Redding and knew the best spot to see the fireworks up on this hill above the stadium. We were so close to where the fireworks were detonating, that when any of them went off it set off the alarms on the cars around us. Just stompin' screamin' good fun. Needless to say I peed myself.
There will be No fireworks in my driveway and no I do not go see them either.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Reunion and mice.

This is Friday of my first vacation in at least 5 years. It has been wonderful. I do regret that we did not get to see much of my daughter Sarah and her family because she stayed with Tobi in Colorado Springs. I did however have the usual disaster-filled week one can expect with a giant family gathering. All this came to a head last night when we discovered that a mouse had moved into our house while we were at Tobi's and the Pirate Pool.
Ok here is the week:
Last Friday night Kale locked us out of our car at the church. We only waited 3 hours for the lock smith. Saturday and Sunday we had Cora and Alec over for the night.
Monday was work. I do weekly payroll and it must be done by Wednesday at 7am, so I did it and left for the vacation.
We spent Monday night with the whole gang at Rudy's and then Tobi's house so we could get up at the but-crack of dawn and go to Garden of the Gods and have a family portrait taken. Absolute chaos and terrific times were had by all. My ears are still ringing from Kale's whine fest there. The photographer was like 9 months pregnant and I thought she would surely give birth in the hills. All the family wore red, white, or blue.  After getting lost ... oh an hour or so we ended up having a great time.
Wednesday we had a trip to the Pirate Pool in Lakewood. After being lost for two hours we were only there a couple of minutes when a lifeguard kicked Phoenix out for not having real swim trunks on. Britt went to the store to get trunks and then when they walked back into the pool a kid went #2 in the pool and we had to leave. At our second job a truck exploded next door and the firetruck locked Britt in the gated yard for a few hours. Dakota came over that night and we had great fun the next day at the Pirate Pool a deux.
Then we went home where the darn mouse was really determined to kick us out of the house. Brittany spent the next 10 hours screaming and clinging to the roof of her room. The boys got out brooms, dust pans, knifes, and a water gun to hunt the mouse down and kill it.
Believe it or not I went to the grocery store and bought 2 mouse traps that were both worthless . Murphy's law of mouse traps: The probability of both traps in the package not working is directly proportional to the brazen taunting of the mouse it is being bought for.
 The traps will NOT stay open. I should have known better than to not buy the glue boards or old fashioned wooden traps. So we were all up till 3 am chasing this stupid mouse. Naturally, the dogs and cats were following it around also. Children and rude dogs and cats.. oh my. Phoenix threw up and Kale was dead on his feet from nearly drowning earlier.
Today I slept from noon to 5:30pm to catch up on the sleep I did not get in the last week.  Tomorrow it's off to the airport for us with Sarah. Then back to work the second job. I'm actually looking forward to a boring week.
The motto for this week was if it ain't broke... it will be in a minute.