A lot of turns of phrase

I am as mad as a wet hen. I know most of you have never seen a wet hen, but those of us who grew up eating what we grew or raised do know and it is terrible to behold. Whoever associated the word "chicken" with someone who was not brave was mistaken. Chickens are uncommonly aggressive when wet or robbed of their eggs. And armed as they are with a beak, well you get the picture.

Today I found out at work that I do indeed have life insurance. I have gone the last year since my children's father died trying to figure out how to get life insurance without paying half my paycheck for it. Every company I contacted led me to 6 more wanna-be's who sent me relentless emails, phone recordings, texts, and snail mail about their astoundingly cheap insurance. Every time I completed the forms and sent them in, I got the same rates at the same astoundingly expensive prices. Let me tell you these forms weren't a picnic or a walk in the park to fill out either. When they say you are burning the candle at both ends they really mean you are staying up nights filling out the forms to find out what you're going to do about this no insurance thing.
And burn that midnight oil I did  and never got any "cheap" or even reasonable quote.
Then today we got a packet to re-up our insurance with some new company in California. It's the big one Lizbeth... There was a beneficiary card in there with an actual explanation of benefits. Which I HAD all along these last 5 years!
No wonder, the benefits director in Kansas City who told me I had nothing has recently been indicted. I wonder where my money went?
But at last that is water under the bridge and I can say with a heavy sigh
How do you spell relief? 
L i f e  I n s u r a n c e.

This poem is for all of us who have Fallen

How can I dare
a weak and mortal man
Lift up
my feeble human hand
and seek toward the mighty hand of God?

I've earned no grace
my measure is so small
my worth
I've done nothing at all
that he should even notice
such as I.

He speaks my name
and bids me follow him
his life
he gave for every man
a love so great I can not
comprehend.

His love is pure
he lifts me from the fall
I reach
least worthy of them all
transformed into a treasure
by his love.

I know, what am I doing up?

Tonight I am giving a shout out to my lovely daughter(s) who's lives voyages have recently taken them up diarrhea river without a paddle, or much of a boat for that matter.
In this life there were some terrible days and nights for me also. When the world was dark and it seemed like everybody forgot me and the pain of lost love was so awful. I kept thinking I would wake up tomorrow and be dead of it, because I could not take the pain anymore. When the worst had come true and there was no way to change the awful truth. No place to run away from it. And facing it and "dealing with it" was just too much for me. I hid, I cried for days, I ran away, and I waited and waited for that "easier" all my friends said was coming with time. But time didn't seem to be effecting the way I felt. And I cried some more. There were days and nights of endless torture where I could not get it out of my mind and the betrayal drove me and controlled my feelings and thoughts. Those dark days went on for a long time.
I'm not going to tell you that it gets better, because it doesn't get better. What can fix ultimate betrayal? What can help you not feel so stupid not to have known? What can bring the trust back?
What eventually happens is you grow a callus over your heart and it sort of shores up the spots where it broke. It is almost funny because my actual chest hurt, oh yes there was physical pain in the breaking of my heart. The callus is just a band aid though and you are changed forever. The lucky ones go back in and attempt to have it all again. For me it was too deep. Too sharp. There was no way to truly fix it and so it never worked for me again. Trust means pain to me now. But both of you are young. Go back in, try to trust, try to love.  It is worth it. The highs are great. So don't give up, don't give in.. Hang on.

Who lets stupid people use a phone?

I am the queen of the sarcastic (yet so politically correct) cut for the salesmen calling to sell my boss something.  "I'm sorry (lets call him Dave) doesn't accept solicitation or survey calls. I'll be happy to take your information and if he is interested, he'll get back to you."            Cut much?
The smart ones hang up at this because they realize I can't be gone around. If you want in, you gotta go through me.
The dumb ones say, and I quote "I am not selling anything".
Really? So you picked up a phone today and decided to call a business and talk to the owner for grins?. No, they go on and on about how this is not to sell anything they just have a business matter to discuss with him. So I ask, what are you giving away then? The rude ones say "Just put him on, I'm sure he wants to talk to me." To which I reply are you a personal friend?. At this point most of them give up and disconnect the call. The really stupid ones don't get it and actually call back hoping to get the nice receptionist.
Hello again dipstick, you ask for the owner, you get his receptionist. One guy started screaming at me today about how rude I am. Yes, it hurt my feeling(s) and I let him through of course.... NOT.
The truly gifted one calls every day. He has made it his life mission to get through to my boss. He snarls at the sound of my voice "This is (whatever fake name he is using that day) let me talk to Dave. At the sound of "May I tell Dave who's calling?" He hangs up. He used to hang in there for the "and who are you with?" speech too but he is just not as forceful as he used to be. I think he just wants to make sure I did not take a personal day or something.
Today I met the KING of salesman who told me he would call Dave's cell and tell him what a nice receptionist he has if I could give it to him. Hello dumb ass if you want his cell you're gonna have to do better than that. Even with a 101 degree fever and mini mouse voice I don't give that out.
What I really don't get is why would you call up random businesses and expect to get through to the owner to try to sell your overpriced (whatever). They call in droves, I swear there is a web site somewhere that told every half-baked salesman on the planet to call us. And not just in my state, they call from Canada. Are you kidding me? You want to sell me a phone system from Canada? aaaa????

I can NOT be sick again, can I?

Where is carma when you need her?

I went home Friday night and my body went into open rebellion. Not just a little cold or stomach ache. The whole scheboingo. My throat closed up and I felt like when you suck a drink down the wrong pipe. Then the fever/headache/stomach ache appeared. Then the cold symptoms came on double pace. I spent the whole night Friday trying to tell myself that this was a bug I swallowed on the way home or some other strange phenomenon, not possibly an illness since . . .

I JUST got over this same crappy illness.

By Saturday morning at 7:30 I was as depressed as a woman can get; sick again.

Now it is Monday and I feel like leftover horse doodee. I sound like Minnie mouse and I am eating pain meds and cold pills like crazy so I can stay at my job for 8 hours. I will take a marathon (10 hour ) nap tonight and do it again tomorrow.  I want to KILL my co-worker who gave me this when I had to sit in his desk and do the deposit Thursday and Friday because he was on vacation. Unfortunately, he is still sick too.

Where is his leg?

There are things I live for in my old age. The best EVER are the moments when the Grandkids get even on my behalf with their parents.
My son and oldest child is currently residing in the 5th ring of Hell with his 14 year old juvenile delinquent/ rebel. I sometimes have this child over just to hear the latest truly horrible experience his Father is having raising him. You can't laugh out loud in front of the teenager or he will think his antics are cute to you, but I have nearly lost a rib holding this crap inside until they leave so I can bust up.
My youngest Daughter lives in the bowels of Hell because of the mouths on her kids. Ah… She has no idea how bad this will get later on, or maybe she does since she is the one who said to the Principal "I'm gonna kick your face in."
My middle Daughters son cut his hair into the "Flock of Seagulls" arrangement last night and I had to shave his head. He spends most of his time pleasing me and torturing her.
But this week the best of the best happened to Tobi, my oldest daughter. She took her little minions to Wally World and there was a war Vet there with a missing leg. They both SCREAM out "Mom, his leg is gone!" Oh my goodness. No kidding? I almost snorted my lung out while she was telling me. So she is trying to usher them into the store without further embarassment while they keep pointing and shouting "But Mom, where is his leg?"
Ah revenge is sweet. So the next time your little ones do something terrible, in public remember: all you have to do is live long enough for them to have kids then you get to watch them squirm.

Wednesday

Obviously its Wednesday. It is also Secretary Day and my 5 year anniversary at work. It is also the day I clean and renew the office building I work in.
So my daughter was cleaning a bathroom across the street and found a porn rag called Coco or something like that. It was positively sticky with human DNA. EWWWWW
Also, I took a bunch of change collected from the bottom of random trucks in the yard and poured Coke all over them.
Yep, it ate off the grime and grease in about an hour.
Experimentation at work.
Some good.
Some bad.
Some tedious. (cleaning)
I threw the magazine away and sent out a notice from HR about sexually explicit content at the workplace.
Yes, I am the HR person, the secretary, payroll, accounts receivable, billing, and the janitor.
Welcome to the new millennium.